Oh, R. Kelly, what are we going to do with you?! Just when you thought it was safe to look in your closet, Mr. “I Believe I Can Fly” himself is swooping back into our lives with a brand-spankin’-new album, grossly titled, “Black Panties.”
“Black Panties” is about as good as can be expected from a now-46-year-old-man who, apparently, just doesn’t know when to be quiet. In between tracks like the juvenile “Cookie,” where he croons that he’ll “crack you open like a lobsta,” and “Show Ya P***y,” which is pretty much just him asking you to spread em’, R. Kelly fails in countless ways. Other charming tracks are the oh-so-romantic “Throw This Money On You,” and “Tear It Up,” which, while blessed with decent rhythms, have such disturbing lyrical content that they should be kept away from anyone with respectable taste. The only – and I mean ONLY – plus side to this absurd album is the shockingly sincere slow jam, “You Deserve Better,” where Kelly shines in a good old fashioned ballad that tells a surprisingly romantic story of how his love is not getting the respect that she deserves. Overall, R. Kelly acheived nothing with this album, other than proving to us that he will never grow, mature, or show any respect to anyone but himself. Take my word for it: don’t waste your time.