CULOOOOOOOOO I’M GONNA NEED ALL THE SEXY MAMAS TO HEAD TO THE DANCE FLOOR, BECAUSE PITBULL IS BACKKKKK TALEEEEEE!

Ladies.

That’s right, Mr. 305 himself is back with a brand literally-spankin’ new album, “Global Warming: Meltdown,” full of predictable dance bangers ~~with little to no substance~~. But hey, you already know where this is going, so let’s cut the small talk and begin, shall we?

1. “Global Warming” – This samples The Macarena. That’s really all that you need to know.

2. “Don’t Stop The Party” – I will give credit when credit is due: this is a classic party track. If you feel like raging face and getting too drunk to comprehend the ~~painfully juvenile~~ lyrics, this is the track for you!

See? She’s having a great time!

3. “Feel This Moment” – Keeping the party going with none other than the Goddess Christina Aguilara, Pitbull shows that even the greatest of voices can’t save this track. Drink up, and maybe you’ll only hear Christina, I guess?

4. “Back In Time” – You might recognize this track if you were one of the 13 people who saw Men In Black 3. It does have a decent drop though.

5. “Hope We Meet Again.” – First thing you need to know is that this track features ~~psychotic woman beater~~ Chris Brown. Second thing you need to know is that is sounds like those nights in college where girls would try and get into bars by screaming, “IT’S MY FUGGING BIRTHDAYYY!” and crying when they were turned down because they were only 19. That’s pretty much it.

6. “Party Ain’t Over” – This is pretty much the same song, but with Usher. Oh, and there’s an actual lyric that says, “Party ain’t over til the fat lady sings / Or should I say, party ain’t over till you so fucking drunk / That that fat lady stand, dale gordita que rica.”

Not a gif, but still counts.

7. “Drinks For You (Ladies Anthem)” – “All the women with power, meet me at happy hour.” This track has serious potential, with Pitbull taking a second to appreciate all of the hardworking single mothers out there, but it falls flat with an overly-autotuned J.Lo attempting to sex up the background. Womp, wooooomp.

8. “Have Some Fun” – “MISTER WORLDWIDEEEEE” is the first thing you hear. From there, it’s pretty much all electro and The Wanted, and nothing hurts anymore. It’s actually delightful, and I’m honestly shocked. I’ll give you this one, Pitbull.

9. “Outta Nowhere” – Two good tracks in a row? Who are you and what have you done with Pitbull?! “Outta Nowhere” is a surprisingly deep track, telling listeners of behind-the-scenes issues in the music business, along with dealing with critics, paparazzi, and fake friends. On top of that, it’s got a catchy hook and soft beat, which is a look that works well for the generally party-crazy artist.

10. “Tchu Tchu Tcha” – Yes, that is an actual song title. Pretty much sounds as ridiculous as it reads. There IS a part where Pitbull offers to “fuck you blind,” so that’s cool…if you’re into that sort of thing, I guess.

11. “Last Night” – Remember when Paris Hilton was in that video lip-syncing with Afrojack and Pitbull and everyone freaked out? Well, that’s this track, and it’s just as painful as you remember. But hey…

12. “I’m Off That” – “It’s real simple. If you off that, it means you don’t mess with that. If you on that, it means that you mess with it.” THANKS PITBULL FOR CLEARING THAT UP. NOW THE MYSTERY IS GONE, AND THE SONG IS RUINED.

13. “Timber” – Now, generally, I’m not a huge fan of Ke$ha. But the girl really does save the song with lyrics like, “It’s going down, I’m going timber / You better move, you better dance / Let’s make a night you won’t remember / I’ll be the one you won’t forget,” “Timber” comes off as less of a hot mess and more of a fun party track. I could do without Pitbull commenting on Miley Cyrus, though, that’s been done.

LEAVE MILEY ALONE.

14. “That High” – “IF YOU CAME TO GET CRAZAYYYYY THEN YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE!” Well, alright then, if you insist…

15. “Do It” – This track features the smooth crooner Mayer Hawthorne, and it’s an amazing new direction for Pitbull to go. Hawthorne helps the song go from the expected raging track to a decent R&B/soul song, and has never sounded better. It’s…surprising, to say the least.

16. “Sun in California” – Another shockingly almost-sensitive track, Pitbull muses about…well, nearly everything in between tinkling piano notes before the song drops into an expected rage break. Mr. Worldwide gets about as sensitive as we can expect, rapping, “The party’s the world and the world is my girl…I dare you not to let her in.”

17. “All the Things” – Finally, FINALLY, Pitbull wraps up “Meltdown” with a track that wonders why people are so damn serious all the time! “Why get caught up in emotions? Why go through the same motions?” he muses. Good question, Mr. 305, why indeed…