Now, while I may not be a man, I happen to have grown up with more than a few (So. Many. Brothers.) so I consider myself somewhat well-informed on what guys – bros in particular – enjoy. While all men are undeniably entertaining, my favorite guys happen to be festival bros. What exactly is a festival bro, you ask? Well, you might be one if you have ever gone to a concert and said/yelled one or more of the following:
- You know what this festival needs? BEER PONG.
- Sun’s out, guns out!
- Yo dude, put on “Levels” again!
- Watch it! You almost spilled beer on my “Party With Sluts” tank!
- Oh my GOD man, did you see the slam-pieces at the port-a-potties? That brunette in the fringe could GET IT.
- I’m not settling for any girl less than a solid 7.5 today. Last week was an exception.
- LET’S F*CKIN’ RAAAAGGGGEEEEEE!!!!!!
Yeah, you know who you are.
Lucky for you, I happen to have compiled a list of absolute bro-sentials for your rage-cation, so you can focus on having the most bitchin’ time possible rather than worrying about what to pack. So, without further ado…
1) SOLO CUPS – Always a staple of any party, pre-game, post-game, or Tuesday morning, Solo Cups have been scientifically proven (not really) to serve approximately a million different purposes. I mean, come on, they can hold beer, liquor, OR soda (only if you’re lame though, go home.) So make sure to grab at least one pack for any festival outing and get your drink on!
BRO TIP: Don’t bring too many. If you “happen” to run out, or your drunkard friends wander off with them, you can always strike up a convo with the hottie the next car over to borrow some. SHWING!
2) SH*T BOX – Yo man, don’t look at me like that. You know as well as I do that there’s literally NOTHING worse than being so close to sealing the deal with that 9.5 you were talking to (you know, the one that lent you the solo cups? Yeah, that one) and having the beer sh*ts. Even worse? All her friends are over at the port-a-potties still, and will totally judge you if you’re in there for more than five minutes. So excuse yourself to “get more beer,” grab this happy little doody box, find a quiet corner (good luck with that,) and pop a squat. You’ll be glad you did.
BRO TIP: Bring extra sh*t bags. While lightening may never strike twice, poop very well might.
3) NEON CLOTHING – Whether it be the above-mentioned “Party With Sluts” tank or a simple trucker hat that says “Rage,” you NEED neon. This way, what you’re there for is clear, and the bids can see you from a mile away. Doesn’t get better than that.
BRO TIP: The more neon, the better. You know what they say, YORO, “You Only Rage Once”…that weekend, that is.
4) BEER KOOZIE – Every good bro should be like a boy scout when it comes to getting hammered: always prepared. Beer koozies are probably the most basic thing you can have, but are also the most useful. There are few things worse than a warm Natty Light, hamiright?
BRO TIP: if at all possible, your koozie should say something. Great conversation starter, and everyone knows that only GDI’s have plain ones. Don’t be a GDI.
5) SUNGLASSES – The last thing you want to do is have everyone think you’re a creeper because it looks like you’re glaring at them all day. Avoid that problem altogether and match your hat and tank with some neon wayfarers. The best part? They’re so cheap that they’ll barely cut into your beer fund!
BRO TIP: Avoid anything with a tinted lens. No one wants to look at you and see there drunken selves in your eyes.
6) DISPOSABLE CAMERA – While many say that “memories may last forever” let’s face it: if you don’t remember anything in the first place, they really don’t. Make sure that those memories really do stay with you by bringing a camera to the festival, and hey, also make sure to snap a pic with all of the 9’s you were talking to so you can make all your bros back home jealous.
BRO TIP: No selfies.
7) LIGHTERS – For regular cigarettes, funny cigarettes, or even if you just like to burn sh*t, you never want to be the guy without a lighter. If a slampiece comes up to you and asks for a light, what are you gonna do? Nothing, you’re going to watch her go to the Sigma Delta Boner a couple people down and lose a bangin’ opportunity. Don’t be that guy.
BRO TIP: Try not to use said lighter to set that pledge that tagged along on fire.
8) SPEAKERS – What’s a pre-game without some bitchin’ tunes? LAME, that’s what. Bring some portable speakers along to make sure you don’t overheat and/or kill the battery of your mom’s minivan, we all know how she is when she’s mad. (She’s HOT, that’s what.)
BRO TIP: When I say portable speakers, I mean just that: SPEAKERS. Don’t be the guy with the boombox, (too big and 90’s,) and even worse, don’t skimp on the speakers altogether and be the guy with the guitar (no one wants to hear you play “Wonderwall” AGAIN.)
9) UMBRELLA – Now, many would not think of this, but an umbrella is really a sure-fire way to pick up chicks. Think about it: it starts to pour, all the 9’s are going to be terrified of melting into 7’s (or even 6’s in some rare cases, yikes,) so why not have them snuggle up under your nice big umbrella with you? Exactly. You’re welcome.
BRO TIP: Have your umbrella be as big as possible. The more the merrier, after all.